From a Tie to Factory Work – Learning Humility and Boundaries
When I stand by the grinder today shaping pieces of glass, and fatigue washes over me, I am already able to listen to my body's message. I am able to recognize exhaustion, stop, and rest. In the past, I paid no attention to the signs at all because this was normal, the usual – this compulsive, emotion-suppressing drive is what I saw in my family and environment, this is what I learned and mastered. There is a saying that is very true: I do not need to change the world and the people in it; I simply need to change myself. It is not an easy thing, because change sometimes comes with pain and sacrifices. This realization did not come from one moment to the next. I am constantly learning, and every day I try to act accordingly. It was precisely my body's former, extreme exhaustion that taught me the humility to try to do my tasks consciously. Today, this presence is essential to my sobriety and the daily management of my addictions.
After Szigetvár and returning home, as the Covid period eased, at the end of July 2020, I managed to get a job at the rubber factory in Gyöngyös as a tow tractor driver. The contrast was huge, almost the exact opposite of my previous life. Previously, as a company executive, I wore a suit and tie, moved millions, told everyone what to do, and took out loans – all just to finance my addiction and maintain the false illusion of perfection. In the factory, however, I worked continuous 12-hour shifts, and on a daily basis, without stopping, I moved one and a half to two tons of materials with the tow tractor and my bare hands. Suddenly, everyone there became my boss, and I earned only a fraction of my previous salary. I was aware that I had to put everything in my life on new foundations, and it was precisely in this raw reality and illusion-free environment that I began to get to know myself again and discover who I truly am.
Soon I had to face what I had heard more than once in therapy and at meetings: stopping drinking was only one thing in my life. I left the substance, the alcohol, behind, but my character defects and my addictive functioning remained – I realized that these are the areas I need to deal with in detail. Even though I put down the drink, my extremism remained the same. In fact, I overdid work at the factory exactly the way I previously did with drinking. I couldn't do it more loosely or "normally" like the others: I drove myself relentlessly, and I had to admit that it doesn't matter whether I drink myself to death or work myself to death, my internal compulsive functioning is exactly the same. I still wanted to conform to others, overachieve, and stand out from the crowd. Throughout my life, I needed feedback on whether I was doing things right. I thought if I performed well, I would be accepted and loved, because I couldn't give myself that validation.
And this extremism didn't stop at the factory gates. Alongside the continuous 12-hour shifts, I attended a Tiffany glass-making course, and I overdid attending AA meetings in exactly the same way. Whenever I could, I was on the road: Gyöngyös, Gödöllő, Eger, Budapest. I was simultaneously overdoing the grueling physical work and the program. Whatever I did, I simply couldn't keep things in moderation. There were times when I drove from Eger through the Mátra mountains to Gyöngyös with absolutely no memory of the journey because I was half asleep from exhaustion, and after that, I had another 12-hour shift at the factory.
For three years and eleven months, I lived in this extreme, crazy pace, until I made the decision to change and close this period. I realized that what I had learned about addiction and in the program had to be put into practice: I had to start taking action for myself. I shifted gears and consciously broke my well-established, harmful routines and rituals. At the same time – after a year of internal work and preparation – based on what I learned about myself in the program, I also quit my 26-year smoking habit. I stepped out of workaholism and put down another unhealthy, compulsive substance use: smoking, all at once.
I am aware that I am an addict, and I will remain one for the rest of my life. Under the ruthless reality of factory work, I began to learn what true humility is. Today, every single day, I go to bed and wake up kneeling to say the Serenity Prayer. I am humble toward my disease. I respect and esteem alcohol, because it defeated me. I am humble toward the program as well, and it is precisely in the awareness of this acceptance that I am now able to turn with humility toward creation, toward Tiffany glass.
2663 days – one day at a time.
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